Posts tagged: words that i wrote
in this time line we are losing,
in another you are lost, in another
we are walking over roots in the sidewalk,
we are touching cold bottles to your thighs,
in another you have written me a letter,
or we are speaking through a void,
in another we are reading german in airports,
you hold sadness in your hands, in another
you hold my hand, I hold sadness in my hand.
i am singing to you, i am lying to you.
in another your skin is smooth, in another i
have a mouthful of scars, in another i have a
burning bowel you have an anger in you,
you’re a blonde, brunette, redhead. i am
on the bathroom floor you are on the phone.
in another we are trading poetry, Rilke and Windle,
Olds and Bukowski, Wigginton and Morgan. I am old
and you are young, you’ve out grown and I’m
still a goddamned child. You are south, in another
you are north again.
in another you are drawn to me,
in another we sleep and wake, and sleep
and wake, and sleep and wake. in another
there’s a house in the woods, there’s an ocean
not too far, there are clothes on the front porch,
water in the foot prints in the mud, opened books
on the table, There’s a time for me and you
and not another.
your legs are burned with the shadows
of overlapping grass when I fucked
you while afraid with a stomach full
of a doubting thoughtlessness
just last night, i said to you i
have ruined myself for you, but you
still came and laid claim to every
uncovered limb you cling to
over skin, bone, and stretched up scratched up
your breasts are pale under the collar
of your rib cage where you wear a crown
of compassion and a choker collar of thorns
you wake me when I can’t sleep, and
make my idle fingers your own, you ask me
“feel,” and I should have saved myself
for this so all at once you could teach me how
to “feel” your body, your soul, the way it deserves.
there isn’t a saying
for, take my body apart,
and remove the crass mechanism
for betrayal from the
very chambers of my heart,
that closed fist-shaped
say love pours from,
but it’s something else.
will you still gather me in your
skinny open arms like you would
the biting sea, the wild flowers and
bristles, and any other
animal found limping and
bloodied at your heels
as you walk the earth
in your naked body
and its singing, boundless form.
and i apologize
that you found me
in this condition to have
to grind me down like teeth,
to undo where i am
from where i’m from,
and take me into you
like a threaded needle
through your abdominal wall.
i did not know love like yours
existed, or how i would punish
you for it, how i would take
you in in comfort, show you
that the hand that holds is
the hand that smothers the
warm burning of your chest,
love you, but still attempt
to break you in the same
places where I would like
to take myself apart.
Can’t you keep the breath pressed out. Not yours, but the. The joie de vivre. The life worth living. The singular. The all-encompassing. The little death. The early morning. The lull. The break-up. The make-up. The answer. The follow-up question. The leap of faith. The fall of man. The instant. The only time. The only other time. The never. The ever. The rest. The love of your life. The breath you pressed in again.
There’s actually four parts. So the one you mentioned should be IV and not III. The fist two are from part of a collection I wrote when I was just starting to write. The third is part of another collection that was sort of reflection on the first collection. And then IV was written separately.
The Road to Houston i
this road to Houston
The Road to Houston ii
Bukowski is out
of the floorboard
and we’re on our way back home
the soft light
and the cool air
makes this night
the night it has to be
is back in the floorboard
and in the dark
the light contrast
shines on my knee.
into the incoming traffic
We talk about
Salinger and Dostoevsky
Bradbury and Orwell
things like that
with my dad
as we pull up to the house
I sit there
and ask him
about my future.
I hug him and head in
call a girl I know
that I missed today.
The Road to Houston iii
Not too long this time,
before i see the bridge.
that reminds me that
I’m close to different places.
The city rises
and the proud refineries stand
towered over the outdated
The road grows
Thanks for asking!
and this is birth from tragedy, not
the birth of tragedy, not farce,
if you like it unexaggerated, then by
any means and by many means
pull myself together
like twine strained between your fingers,
and you mention how my soul quivers
how my numb limbs swinging
at your waistside no longer
make you feel drawn to me,
but still, it’s love but still,
and still an apology, and why
would that make it better, if it
won’t make me better, as
you are a Tree of Life,
and I know good, and I know evil,
but I am an upright shallow grave
with a winter seed where
my heart should be beaten,
fingers trawling through your
intricate branches, afraid
to be so close to this
compassion. when I have
turned away at every chance
of your embrace
and I don’t know what this
all means, and by all means
it means so much more than
I’ve considered. my vague
sense of unease misplaced
by your direction.
I’ll say it. Make sure you’re worth your words. If not, sit on silence and stand somehow like you would if you weren’t your father’s son. If you were instead like your mother’s shadow. If you were instead a saving’s grace. But your sins are senseless. In the willful numbing of foresight, and for skin, and for some reason doing all wrong again. And why? Because you’re word isn’t your word. No blame for another. Not a word.
My senses said, well all’s fair in love in war. And since we’ve said long before that if you don’t love me, leave me. If you don’t want me, don’t need me. If I don’t please you onceing-over ruts, licking at these divots, touching at your cuts. All the skin worn places where you used to use to hurt. Then what’s worse, where we were or where we’ve went from there.
I spoke out and thought it unsavage and insincere. But faith in failure is easily grasped. See how you’ve taught yourself to fear one who loves you through each transgression, your unique cruelty, and touches awe-filled the face of your unrealized multitudes. And so soulmate, self seer, the stubborn steward of our fates, bear down on me, press into me from flesh to flesh, time to time, and word to word
until we’re worn down through non-stop articulation. Take my body as canvas. And art as elusive, illusory, ill-advised. Find what you’ve stolen inside yourself, once as a pouring but now as pitch. Bury the tap. Drink it well. And take care.
a whole another thought for
missing over before what hush you
muttered then again what is
not that this is, once again
hurt what your what was,
what was name calling, less of feeling
in again our first once once
kissed and folded early as
warm laundry fucked over
sure were, lost again
found yourself mouth
of fingers wrapped
like teeth, slept again
over night, morning
colored by TV
flashing light carry
over air, thin wave
kept your thigh on
crawled in over
here again, were
what you wouldn’t wear, wore
over naked bathtubs, fell under
over her, snapped a neck
lace and fine knees,
waited kiss, want
our weekend on our
backs, when again
we were gentle trying on our bodies,
and you had a taste like silver, like you
traded skin with the moon. and still
you were softer and more tender,
with your kisses on my open palm.
I could have fed you off of this,
I could have fed you to the lions,
and found you in their fur
could have set aside you
pulled the spoon from out behind
your teeth, where your muscles move
to to make their song under-and-overture.
and all kind, and all grace, and all nurtured
waves of warmth your body had memorized
take turns lulling me back into you, guiding
my out-streched hand to your every new familiar.
will you think me pitiful
to dress me down to a name,
a skin, nails and what little hair
rolling on the roofs of cars
underneath you or a sky
or a heaven hanged hushed
thinking once again of
a January girl, where you
were hot-headed and wanting
back when my arms and hands
not a scratch on it as if virgin
birthed, as if warmed once over again
as if it never hurt, how it always hurt,
calling out to you, be here but be gone,
then take me as I am, and what i wasn’t
every time I write you I mention,
goddamn, your body and my body
stuck together like folding papers.
you know it wasn’t the only thing. it was
always this memory, and I’m begging
to live inside you, as close as I can get.
there are days, most of them,
like today, where I can’t call you lover, where
you won’t say I love you, days that
I was afraid I always had coming.
i’ve been hard on this drive, keep seeing
pictures, hangers-on of phantom limbs,
i’ve been guilty of this, this lover’s sight-
blank like a pervert’s every-other-night.
lurid, wasps on orchids. we were all thinking it
so I’m asking what will that accomplish?
nothing and nothing-buts, but that’s the point
of asses to ankles, and imprints of elbows
you were the cast and characters, drawn like
rainfall in a bucket, and clenched fists on miles
of treated rope. Untied over bruises, welts, and knots
played too close to the chest, insisting still.
I have wandered in on eight knuckles, two knees,
then grown swollen, steeped, and wrapped unworn,
asking, then begging, you to be familiar just for tonight.